Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I'm mad as hell--and I'm not gonna fake it anymore!

Yeah, you heard me--I'm mad as hell--and I'm not gonna fake it anymore!
"wait a minute--fake it anymore?---you mean "I'm not gonna take it anymore!"
NO--I'm not gonna fake it anymore!---I'm gonna do exactly what Steve Slater did!
"Steve Slater?"
yeah, remember?---the airline steward who reached the boiling point at passengers yelling and snapping at him and momentarily went bananas or berserk or for a nanosecond crossed the threshold of insanity (take your pick)---flipped the lever--popped a beer--slid down the escape shoot from the plane-- and happily walked away from his job--security--401K---WOW! WOW! WOW!
that' s my hero!---you hear me?---a HERO!
he got his 15 minutes of fame because he just couldn't take it anymore--and went out and did something about it !-----a little guy, a little employee--no power or connections--made a statement heard 'round the world--like the first shot fired at Concord--and a revolution started because one small peon wouldn't take it anymore.

"wait a minute---how can he be your hero when you just said he couldn't take it anymore--and you keep saying 'I'm not gonna fake it anymore.' "
that's right---he just didn't go far enough.
"far enough?"
that's right---look---not taking it is one-dimensional---not faking it is all-encompassing!
"I'm listening--but I think I'm getting rattled."

OK--when you're not gonna take it anymore--it usually refers to where you work and all the chicken shit things they throw at you on a daily basis---dirty inside power plays--office politics--work conditions--that turn you into a repressed nervous twerp--and you gotta take it or you'll be wiping your butt with only one pink slip!---right?
"yeah, I guess."

well, I'm going to a new level--from this day on, I'm through with phonies--liars--con artists--chiselers--cheaters--smiles with contempt behind them---in other words, I'm not gonna fake it anymore from any source and pretend things are fine--and be a willing stooge while scum bags of every size and shape splash--paint--and cover my body in demeaning verbal acrylics until I morph into a human graffiti wall.

enough is enough!---I'm mad as hell and I'm fighting back!
"what are you gonna do?"
I'm gonna out-fake all the fakers who've been out-faking me all my life!
"you mean there's that many fakers out there?"
they're all over the place---and it happens every second of the day!
"like what?"
how about:

bartenders who water down drinks--they fake it!
women screaming during an orgasm--they fake it!
a waiter saying the fish is wild caught and not farm raised!--he fakes it!
saleslady telling obese teen-agers how sexy they'll look in a new bikini--she fakes it!
supermarkets advertising "our produce is all organic"--they fake it!
farmers markets saying their produce is 100% organic when they buy from
the same chemical sprayed soil the supermarkets buy from--they fake it!
cheating wives and cheating husbands staying together by sheer force of habit--they fake it!
school kids texting each other answers to exams--they fake it!
Big Mac selling burgers to a jingle: "I'm loving it" except when it's heart attack time-- fake it!
Big Pharma sells drugs to keep us healthy/thousands drop dead taking it--they're faking it!
Congress demanding the budget be cut but won't cut one dollar from their income--they fake it!
Bush invading Iraq on a lie--Weapons of Mass Destruction--the President even faked it!

"while you're at it--throw in India."
"Yeah--they're loaded with Fakirs!"
you know--I'm so furious I'm gonna overlook that remark---let's get a drink.
"a drink?---didn't you just say bartenders water down the --------"
I don't care what I said--I'm desperate--I'm dry--and I'm buying.
"hell, let's go--so the martini's weaker than before--who cares--I'm drinking with a friend--they can't water that down---let's go!"

(the pollenator)

KWAYZAR is a Federal TradeMark

stanley jerry hoffman

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

political amnesia---alive and well

what's happening?
I mean, what the hell is happening?
is it true---millions of independent voters are deserting President Obama and flocking in droves back to the party of NO?

it's amazing!--no, it's unbelievable!--no, it's absolutely mind-blowing!-----no, it's--it's--Political Amnesia! --that's what it is!---a deadly mind disease that strikes without warning --twisting logic into a pretzel and wreaking havoc upon a once trusted friend--the MEMORY.

Indie Voters, it seems, forgot what happened 3 years ago when Western Civilization was going down for the count--and now Indie Voters feel so bad for the party of NO--they want Republicans to get another crack at them---to punish them.-----that's it!---yes!
Independent Voters, I bestow upon thee a new title: the Masochist Party!-----yes!--yes!--yes!!!

it all makes sense now---Bush didn't quite take all your money--and you feel bad about that--
(you only lost 90% of your pensions--401 K's--IRA's)---and the pain of losing your life savings felt so good--you wanna give the party of NO another chance to wipe out the other 10%---
a 2nd time around---and maybe this time the party of NO will have enough time to finish the job completely!-----I can see that---you're the MP Party---Masochist Party!---and you don't want the party of NO to walk away losers--there's no pain in that--no!--OMG!--that's no fun---you want them in again so you can suffer!

how sweet the pain of getting whipped with lies!---tortured by voracious banks determined to keep you a mortgage slave forever---yes!---you want them in again to relive those exhilarating,
maddening moments when your brain took a mental depression dive into a pool of torment--and you swam knowing you could drown at any time---and the anxiety and anguish made your body tingle and come alive--and the pain---oh, the sweet taste of punishment made you cry out for more---I can see that---you're the MASOCHIST PARTY!

the Independent Voters---MP!
so come on, baby---and punish me!
logic loses all---reality
so come on, baby---and punish me!

it's not your fault--though--it's the GOP
always on the wrong side--of history!

in the 20"s and 30's--the GOP fought tooth and nail to kill Social Security
in the 30's and 40's--fought tooth and nail to kill Unemployment Insurance
in the 40's and 50's--fought tooth and nail to kill Universal Health Care
in the 50's-60's-70's-80's--the GOP fought tooth and nail against abortion---and when these 13 and 14 year-old-girls were forced to have these babies--the Republican Party turned their backs on these young, frightened girls and never gave one penny to pay for the baby's birth--not one penny to pay the doctors--medical bills--food--clothes--education--shelter-----in effect, the Republican Party told these girls: "we forced you to have the baby--now take care of them yourself."

the party of NO should be proud of this record--and since 9-11--even prouder of their accomplishments.

yes!---the Republican Party:
this is the same gang that gave us the Iraq War!
this is the same gang that gave us the Afghanistan War!
this is the same gang that gave Banks and Wall Street 8 years of carte blanche to commit financial crimes without government interference---the profits so immense--no one cared about the tragic events to follow---the thread of greed outweighing the fabric of decency!

the Republican Party:
the same gang that killed 8 years of Stem Cell research---and millions of Americans died for lack of cutting edge life-saving therapies!

Yes!---this is the Republican Party:
the same gang that fought tooth and nail to SHIP AMERICAN JOBS OVERSEAS!
the same gang that coined the word "outsourcing"---what a delightful euphemism---so much nicer than saying "hey fella--you're laid off" or "that's right--your ass is now unemployed!"

so remember--all you millions of Indie Voters--the Republican Party came up with the word outsourcing---and shipped millions of American jobs to foreign countries.

put that in your "made in china" pipes--and puff it!"

(the pollenator)

KWAYZAR is a Federal TradeMark

stanley jerry hoffman

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

recession?---call the rich

I'm a sardonic--laconic--platonic
animatronic--Duran Durand
head in the sand
a White House ostrich

things are so bad
I'm down to eating beans,
and I thought of a line
from the genius genes
of John Maynard Keynes

the great economist
shaking an iron fist --
in the "Paradox of Thrift"
raves and raves
and raves and raves

that if everyone saves,
everyone is poorer
from all walks of life
from the lazy
to the doer

buying Burger Kings
is bad!
pizza sad!

and cheap sloppy slurpies
and tropical shakes,
that ain't gonna do it--
we need the rich
buying diamond
encrusted cup cakes!

we need high rollers
the big ass spenders!
not little guys repairing

applaud the rich
buying a Lexus
or Mercedes!
without all that spending
we're heading
for Hades!

what's more important,
selling a bikini
or Super Rich buying
a $200,000 Lamborghini?

get all that wealth out
put it in circulation
we'll get a new start
in this debt-ridden nation

it's an absolute must
without wealthy spending,
we'll all go bust!
now who do you trust?
I rest my case!

(the pollenator)

KWAYZAR is a FederalTradeMark


Monday, May 24, 2010

SNL--Tina Fey---"dejavu" propo3

it happened again---I can't believe it!---IT HAPPENED AGAIN!

this Sat. night (5--22-2010)---DEJAVU!---and so fast!

in living color---right in front of my eyes--SNL pops on the screen with the ever ebullient Tina Fey---the wit-snap-dragon-lady of comedy and 2 cohorts---tearing into Tiger Woods in a golf sketch that I wrote in my series on Tiger Woods--Too Big To Fail--Part 5.

This SNL show was a repeat of the original show done a few weeks ago--but the golf sketch was so funny--I guess Tina and crew had to do it again quick to keep the high laugh ratings going.

I understand--if you want the best laughs you go to the best comedy writer!---if it's a choice between laughs and silence---screw the ethics!---go for the belly laughs and keep denying the evil deed.

that's why Tina Fey is an off-beat genius!---what I'm saying is--the real genius in Tina Fey is the genius she has in finding the most creative comedy minds and doing 180 on them as she pilfers their funny lines---smiling all the while into the camera---building, always building, her resume into a legendary domain.

I spoke to my Rabbi about this---how SNL stole my whole Tiger Woods golf concept without so much as a twinge of conscience---and nary a mention of me as the original writer.

the Rabbi thought about this for a moment--and being the wise man that he is--looked into my eyes with 5000 years of Jewish wisdom racing through his brains and said: "ahh, eat some pickled herring and a chopped liver sandwich, have a good belch , you'll feel better---and don't expect too much justice in this life---that's why we have a heaven-----OK, boychik?"

so I'm taking the Rabbi's advice---and I'm letting go.
but the pain still lingers.
Tina could have emailed me---at least something:
a Thank You maybe--
just a plain simple "thank you."

(the pollenator)

KWAYZAR is a Federal TradeMark

stanley jerry hoffman

ps: I did get on the show with Justin Bieber, though.
who knows---maybe they needed me to cover his back!

Friday, April 30, 2010

snl and tina fey--the heist comedy gang--propo 2

I'm still waiting to hear from the notorious SNL rogues who decided that my writing humor was superior to theirs on the subject regarding TIGER WOODS and the golf brain-washing bit I published for all to read: TIGER WOODS--TOO BIG TO FAIL--PART 5 .

I can only deduce that they stole my satirical sketch on TIGER when they really needed something funny and at that moment their creative comedy minds were locked up in a mental ghetto!---with no possible way out except for the ORIGINAL who dreamed it up--- but how embarrassing to come begging for a golf concept by an unknown writer not in their funny den.

A sad commentary on ethics by the power heads who pride themselves on their originality when they steal ---without remorse---and get PAID FOR IT!---and live in peace with their dastardley deeds!

SNL--Tina Fey--propo 3 next

(the pollenator)

KWAYZAR is a Federal TradeMark

stanley jerry hoffman

Saturday, April 17, 2010

SNL-Tina Fey stole my Blog on Tiger Woods--propo 1

Last Sat. night --April 10, 2010--I'm watching SNL and imagine my surprise--here's 2 cast members and Tina Fey doing a golf sketch about TIGER WOODS and how he couldn't help doing what he did sexually with all those girls because it wasn't his fault.
No!---Tina says it wasn't TIGER'S fault--it was the language of golf that was the villain!---all those golf expressions and words with sexy, dirty meanings.-----that's what drove TIGER off the edge.
those deep, subliminal messages constantly banging on him--no willpower left to fight the daily onslaught intimidating his right hemisphere--and TIGER became a helpless pawn in this seemingly quiet, innocent, yet pernicious game--a victim of golf brainwashing!

it's all there in "TIGER WOODS--TOO BIG TO FAIL--part 5"
on my Blog : kwayzar.blogspot.com

so when I saw the SNL sketch I saw shocked, hurt, sad, and yet happy that I was good enough for Tina Fey--who I really do adore--to commit verbal theft--semantic burglary--idea plagiarism--and show the world that I AM A GOOD WRITER!---and the best part--I didn't have to beg anyone to do it like most writers.

so thank you Tina--and your cohorts--and Lorne Michaels---who would have ever thought I'd get my 15 minutes of fame on SNL--for a comedy blog I did on Tiger Woods (albeit a very quiet
15 minutes of fame).

it's a feather in my unemployed hat---and I console myself with a line I have in my rap video now on YOUTUBE-----"Kwayzar-the Cyber Rap video"-----the line: "and take the journey"---

it's the journey,Tina Fey----- it's aways been the journey.

SNL--Tina Fey propo 2 next

(the pollenator)

KWAYZAR is a Federal TradeMark

stanley jerry hoffman

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Sunday, February 28, 2010


what a ripoff!---what a scam!---what a con job!---talk about a burn!---grand theft!---larceny, inc.!---steal from the poor--give to the rich!

shady rotten things are going on--right under the nose--and eyes--of Interpol--Royal Canadian Mounted Police---Law agencies the world over---and nothing is done about it!

can you believe it?---I"m talking robberies!---ROBBERIES happening in broad daylight!---and the ROBBERS get away with it!

the robbers , by the way---are a quaint , tiny group called the "IOC" ---that owns--controls--and operates the Olympic Games---in a "feudal system" where they are the Lords and Masters---and athletes are the peasants!

hard to believe--in this era of High Tech---space stations--mephones--youphones--herphones--hisphones--iphones--stem cell therapy--cloning--------the Olympics are still a hangover from a bygone age---and the feudal IOC Lords and Masters seem very happy and quite content to let things stay as they are---and see no reason to change.

with Olympic Games earnings in the hundreds of millions of dollars---I can see why the IOC is happy with the way things are---hey, I'm glad they're making all that money!---they should be making tons of money!---and therein lies the problem.

IOC---FEUDAL MASTERS------100% of profits
athletes--feudal servants---0% of profits

IOC gets it all!
athletes get "zilch!"
where is the justice in that?

how would you like a store where you don't pay anything for the merchandise---all the inventory is free!---and the people who give you all these goods do it to show you how good it is and how many years they spent making it and how proud they are of it and walk away happy without a dime!

that's what the Olympics are all about---athletes brag to the world how good they are---and the IOC happily deposits all the profits in Swiss bank accounts!---they get the whole pie!

and the athletes---who are the heart and soul of the Olympic Games---these poor, struggling athletes who pushed their bodies to the ultimate in pursuit of physical perfection for most of their young lives---dreaming of Olympic Gold---all these athletes get is the privilege to lick the pie pan for a few crumbs that are left.

time to wake up, athletes---WAKE UP!------Kwayzar has the solution to this terrible, unfair dilemma!---it's that dirty old phrase---PROFIT SHARING!---YES--PROFIT SHARING!

but let's not get greedy---you just want a piece of the pie---the whole pie is too many calories--too fattening--and way to much sugar---no, just a tiny piece--like maybe 50%---that'd be fair.--Olympics take in 500 million---half of that is 250 million---then take the number of actual athletes participating in all the events---and split it evenly between all the winners and the losers!

that takes the Olympics out of the feudal system and into the 21st Century---and that rewards ALL THE ATHLETES for sacrificing everything they had to win---and make their families and country proud of them.

and that gives hope to future athletes---knowing they'll at least get something---even if they never win Gold or any medal---even if they never stand on the podium hearing their National Anthem played---willing to risk it all---even if they never catch "The Impossible Dream"---all these athletes have earned their share in it!

hey, IOC---are you listening?

you want the best Olympics?---the worlds greatest athletic extravaganza?-----you demand no less fron the athletes---well, we demand no less from you.

time to spread the wealth!

prove to the world that the International Olympics Committee---is every bit a champion like the athletes you represent!

hey, we really love you guys---but what's fair is fair!

and to be brutally honest---the Winter Olympics is no place for a SNOW JOB!

God Bless Sports!


Thursday, February 18, 2010


so don't be worried, TIGER, about public image and saving face---we forgave Germany---we can certainly forgive you!

OK---so you destroyed your marriage!

------so you betrayed your wife!

------so you cheated on your wife!

------so you deceived your wife!

------so you lied to your wife!

------so you humiliated your wife!

------so you made a mockery of Fatherhood!

------so you had sex orgies--sex orgies--sex orgies--(WOW!)

------so you ruined your All American image!

------so you tainted the good name of Golf!

how lucky you are that it happened in this country!---that's a blessing!---a blessing, TIGER!
at this very moment---you are the ideal candidate---the leading contender---an absolute
shoo-in---to win the coveted "RAT AWARD of the YEAR " PRIZE!---a siver tray holding our most precious habit forming drug.

Don't you see, TIGER---by winning the RAT AWARD of the YEAR PRIZE---the American people---willingly---are handing you---"FORGIVENESS" on a platter!

you'll be in again!---a hero!---a giant of a hero!---like this year's large boxes of detergent soap--you'll be a bigger--better--and more improved hero than ever!

I can hear the crowds now---on the greens---cheering and chanting:


so bring on the paparazzi---divorce lawyers---cocktail waitresses---porn stars---billion dollar Empires at stake---lives and careers hanging in the balance---WHAT A MOVIE!---Hollywood get with it!---this is the Blockbuster of Blockbusters!---the AVATAR of SIN AND REDEMPTION---and think of the sequels---wow!---wow!---wow!

OMG!---whoever thought Golf was that sensual--so naughty--so secretive--so explicit--and so earth shattering a game!

in the meantime---for all you devoted TIGER fans---patience!
no time for backslapping and pouring the bubbly---
TIGER---is still not out of the WOODS---yet!

oh, I almost forgot---2010 is the Year of the TIGER in China---now tell me---how many guys have a year named after them?---amazing---even in China they shout his name!---maybe it's an omen.

and so we have 2 final questions:
"Can a tiger change its stripes?"

Zen Buddhist question:
"what is the SOUND of ONE TIGER changing its stripes?"

hopefully, the sound is contrition---a mea culpa---and a rededication of marriage vows.

there's an old gambling adage:---"always bet on the champ"
so my money is on TIGER!

yeah, OK---so he's mysterious--erratic--a puzzle--a conundrum--and loaded with "weird!"
would you expect anything less?---I mean we're talking

TIGER---the Perfect Poster Boy of KOAN!

TIGER WOODS---PART 10--- the God Epilogue--much later


Tuesday, February 16, 2010


flash!---bulletin!---red alert!---email!---GPS---spy cams!---video cams!--periscopes!---telescopes!---all ships at sea!---seeing-eye dogs!--twitter!--will the real TIGER WOODS stand up and show your face!---where are you, TIGER?---where are you hiding?

some reports had you in a Buddhist temple in Tibet meditating on sin---other reports have you combing the Sahara desert looking for a new identity---is your body inert, but your metaphysical form is somewhere in Cyberspace Cybersulking?---now that'd be a good one if you could pull it off---or are you sitting on Kilimanjaro promising to return when heavy snow falls---but heavy snows won't be falling because of global warming---My God, you'll be there forever!

look, TIGER, I just want to see you go from current has-been to having been a has-been to Super Star again!---look, whatever you did wasn't your fault!---you heard me---it wasn't your fault!---it was the Great Designer's fault!---turning you into a Golf Legend Lothario---packed with testosterone dynamite ready to explode at any given moment!

you were destined to make a hole-in-one---on or off the course---we don't begrudge you that---we revel in it!---See!, you couldn't help what you did.---blame the Great Designer turning out a money making body that has more money than most guys so you could afford to fool around more than most guys, that's all!---what's wrong with that?

So please come out TIGER---you have nothing to fear
millions are waiting---for you to appear
all your past actions---and infidelity
are now in the open---for everyone to see!

that's why you're safe, TIGER.
am I psychic? No!---clairvoyant? No!---telepathic? No!
but I know the American people---and one thing Americans are good at---is "forgiveness"


that 11-letter word is our drug of choice!---our national pastime!---it is ingrained in our psyche.

WE'll FORGIVE ANYONE!-----adult beaters--wife beaters--tax cheaters--child molesters
robbers--gang bangers--thieves--rapists--politicians--police brutality--baby snatchers--cowards--we even forgive BAD MOVIES!---that's how ingrained it is in our "let's be good to all"
American psyche!

we forgive killers on Death Row---they keep filing appeals and die of old age!---we even forgive THEM!

Nazi Germany murdered 6 million Jews in WWII---and when the war ended---how many residents in Beverly Hills--Palm Springs--New York--Chicago--Florida--and elsewhere--
could hardly wait to buy a Mercedes or a Porsche and drive in style once again--behind the wheel of German engineering--German design--German efficiency--smiling and happy.

memories of Auschwitz--Buchenwald--Treblinka--fading away ever so quietly--as if the horror scene had never been real--as if the carnage in Nazi Germany had never existed.

see how we punished Germany---WE BOUGHT THEIR CARS!---that's how big this country is on forgiveness!

Friday, February 12, 2010


we are only free

as our minds

wish us to be

but TIGER--to get something off my liberal chest--I know you're not a racist--so how come only white girls?---you only had sex with white girls--14 of them!---not a black girl in the group!---this entire sexual ensemble was blackless!---I looked and looked--nope--only white faces.

I feel bad, TIGER, because look at the money these white girls are making selling their stories to mags--TV--tabloids--cable--satellite--and anywhere else our system smells a buck.
they are gonna get rich!---WHITE GIRLS getting rich sleeping with TIGER!

so spread the wealth---the least you could have done is offer your services to a couple of your brothers--I mean sisters.
they could use the money too!---probably come from poor neighborhoods---and with your escapades in hand--gosh--they could sell them for a few hundred thousand---get a good life going---buy a home---raise a family---and be forever grateful to the one and only TIGER WOODS for helping them get a fresh start in life!

so the next time, TIGER, if you still insist on dalliances and illicit sex in the fast lane--please give a couple of black girls a chance to cash in on all of the notoriety!---spread it around---don't be selfish.

remember, TIGER, give--and ye shall receive!---and you will have two of the most faithful, loyal fans you will ever have in your life---they'll believe in you forever!

now that's what I call disposable income serving a good cause!


Saturday, February 6, 2010


TIGER WOODS---Poster Boy of Zen Koan

there are no winners

there are no losers

the mathematics of a Supreme Universe

everything evens out

variety is the spice of life---in TIGER's case--he abused the privilege. when variety gets to the point where even the word DICHOTOMY is in shock---crossing the River Styx is less of a hell than what TIGER's gonna be going thru!---and you won't need a Spelling Bee to sound out the meaning of a word--like trouble!---TIGER TROUBLE!---spelled : having a secret dalliance with a cocktail waitress. A COCKTAIL WAITRESS!---hey, maybe he got free drinks !---my motto: never trust a free drink---free drinks are like a mafia martini---when you least expect it, they come back and shove a fist of olives up your ass!---if there's toothpicks involved--it can be painful!---and cost plenty!

how about a marriage--a beautiful wife--two kids--a good chunk of a trillion dollar estate--fame and glory---yet it wasn't enough. TIGER took a bite of the Forbidden Apple and lo and behold!

---TIGER is expelled from the Garden of Eden by the Gods of economics and morality---taken down by a woman---and not just one---try 2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-women!---oh wow!sexual encounters with 13 women!!!-----what!---another one popped up?---that makes 14!!!---OMG!-----where does he get the physical stamina to support this strenuous lifestyle and service a stable of 14 broads?

year round golf events--winning tournaments--personal appearances--jetting here--jetting there--all over the planet--hardly sleeping--eating tons of junk food--and yet TIGER still had the energy to knock off 14 women like bowling pins---wow!! wow!! wow!!

TIGER IS the BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS!!!---who needs Wheaties?
we should have an awards show for Super Athletes: how many girls you can knock off in a month--and still score on the field--without staggering!-----you know, human interest stories.

it seems TIGER was under the spell of his own magical image---hey, remember the Bible?
Samson and Delilah---ring a bell?---Samson was no match ---and that was only one on one.
this guy's messing with 14 Delilahs!----14 harlots at last count---14!!!!!!

whatever you do, TIGER---DON'T CUT YOUR HAIR!!!-----and if you did---let it grow out QUICK!!!!!!QUICK!!!!!!QUICK!!!!!!


Wednesday, February 3, 2010


poetic justice has many faces---and TIGER---a meandering wildcat---fell into an abyss---a powerless pawn in a game where he wasn't the chess Master! An unfamiliar role--and confused.

Hold it!---Wait a minute!---an Epipheny!---Yes!--an Epipheny!---OMG!---a nanosecond, and
I AM THE CENTER OF UNIVERSAL TRUTH--I see it all!---ENLIGHTENMENT--ILLUMINATION---OMG! I cried out!---how could I have been so wrong?---TIGER is innocent! Yes! TIGER WOODS is innocent!

He's not the one to blame for all those "pecas"---all those one nighters---all those thrilling cheating moments powered by infidelity---No!--No! TIGER was a victim! You heard me! a victim of the game he loved so much. the real villain--the true villain---is GOLF!!!---yes, you heard right!---Golf is what led TIGER astray---toying with his mind--playing with his emotions--Golf turning TIGER into a hostage--driving TIGER's brain into a 24-7 uncontrollable
hyperdrive frenzy!

Yes-Golf is the villain---My God,man!---can't you see?---it's the LANGUAGE of golf that's the enemy! Yes!---the language!---you heard me! all these Golf terms--golf phrases--golf expressions--shooting through his brain like subliminal x-rated bullets!---subtle, devious, the power of suggestion lies in wait--like a real hungry tiger--ready to pounce and destroy even those at the top of their sport!

who would believe this quiet, peaceful, slow moving game--in reality--is a verbal playground of sexual hangups!---Yes!---enough sexual hangups to fill a pantheon of porn vocabulary!---an 18 hole Scottish-hand-me-down semantic minefield--slowly driving TIGER mad.

so don't blame TIGER acting like he hit himself on the head with a wedgy and a 5-iron---he was helpless against a daily onslaught of repressed erotica safely tucked away within the bowels of Golf cliches---from nice guy to wild sex addict---Golf euphemisms pounding his head---TIGER exploded with the passion of an X-rated Don Juan!

the girls flipped for TIGER'S charm--as he explained to these nanosecond lovers the thrill of making a hole-in-one!---YES!---proud his performance in bed is UNDER PAR!
---she ooohs and aaahs

how he loves the game--even when his balls are in the rough!
---"ohhhhh---ohhhh!" she squeels

the joy of grasping a shank--hard and stiff--and gently stroking a putting green.
---"YES--YES--YES--!" she moans

boasting to the girls about unprotected sex--not bothering to put a glove on his driver!
"OH--you're driving me mad-mad-mad!"

making girls come apart--when he winks and tells them how good he is---at the SKINS GAME!
"oh, I can't take it--don't stop--don't stop!---OHHHHH--OHHHHHH--OHHHHHH!




Man, am I hungry---let's get Chinese!

see, TIGER couldn't help it---it's those Golf expressions---they drive a guy nuts!

a beaten, bruised--totally confused
Super Hero--and feeling used

TIGER WOODS--Part 6--next

Friday, January 22, 2010


and once public, TIGER'S peccadillos made sex scandals in Hollywood history look as daring as afternoon tea time and crumpets.

the progression was astounding---one escapade--and TIGER morphed from escapade to sexcapades--to more and more and more sexcapades---and now TIGER is in a new show--skating on a very thin ICECAPADES! does he fall through? do we save him? of course we save him! we can't let TIGER go under--- my GOD, he's a one-man NATIONAL ECONOMY!---that's free enterprise---survival of the monetary fittest---Darwin is alive and well!

TIGER--in the truest sense-- is a cautionary tale: poor boy to super rich boy---world's greatest golfer--beautiful wife--two beautiful kids--fame--a golden image---and suddenly it all came crashing down---and TIGER'S dream world turned into a celebrity nightmare---booze--drugs-- and all those devastating--devouring--mind blowing one-nighters---each girl hanging on to TIGER--hoping for just a taste of that 15 minutes of fame.

I'm sure we're all asking the same question: why did TIGER take all those dumb stupid chances and gamble away everything that meant the world to him? his thinking was so bizarre---like he hit himself on the head with a 2 iron and saw real Birdies!!!---this guy was making more rounds than an ER doctor!---like an arab hopping from bed to bedouin! it became an obsession---he couldn't stop---so many women crying out they couldn't wait to feel his thrill hammer again!--and again!--and again!

poor TIGER was trapped---of his own undoing, of course. did he think he'd never get caught? never be exposed? none of these affairs made public?---c'mon! a few passionate moments with TIGER is worth a tabloid gold mine---put that together with the TIGER gold mine---and we got MegaBuck stories. I can see the girls point of view---they gave TIGER a piece--now they want a piece--of the action!---and whatever else they can squeeze out of him.--like unprotected sex. was this a plot? hoping to get pregnant and catch the gold ring?

"Guess what, TIGER?---cubby cubby on the way."


no fun getting texted 2 in the morning with that message!-----didn't he think or worry about that?-----the king of golf---expelled from the Garden of Eden---and some steamy one-nighter slips in and gets a lifetime pass to the lush life--FREE! compliments of---ah, the blessings of golf know no limits.



Saturday, January 16, 2010


"wait a minute--that's a KOAN if I ever heard one---2 different questions--but the 2 answers coming from 2 different questions are the same!"

exactly! if tiger--super sports icon--is no longer able to spin his magic on the links--the Big 4 of golf and other major corporations will lose mega-billions--on top of the billions they've already lost---massive layoffs--companies fold--wall st. lays another egg--and here we go again! BAILOUT TIME! and those alcoholic stewed senators--whiskey breath--sipping a martini with olives hanging on their lower lips--give them their Shakespeare pound of flesh (our flesh really, right?)---a trillion dollars--printing presses roll!---which, by the way, devalues our dollar even more!

"you mean one guy can cause all that trouble?"

you bet!

"hey, what about the other question---is TIGER NOT TOO BIG TO FAIL?


"hold it--that's the same answer as the first part!"and

exactly--same set of rules--an identical mirror reflection of TOO BIG TO FAIL!

"I need another drink!"

not because the answer is "yes"--but because it could also culminate in national chaos---only this time because a few million moralists and religious fanatics--and do-gooders--and bible thumping preachers--and followers of pure chastity--and just plain morons--and all frustrated
individuals fighting back sex urges to do it again--and again--and again--with the freedom of TIGER--or don't have sex because mommy and daddy said it's bad and the Lord will punish you if you do! so this entire group of "I'm better than you are" mentality refuses to buy or see anything golf related--and the economy sputters!---all this to punish TIGER--and there we go again---Bailout Time! same senators--same whiskey breath--more olives hanging on lower lips---and not wishing to lose an election--Congress ponies up a Trillion dollar gift---taken from Americans having trouble even eating! and it's back to business as usual.
"And all this was caused by ---?
Percolating testosterone in a star athlete's body---kicking TIGER on the high road to peccadillos!
Peccadillos! that tempting--guilty--sweet taste of a one-night stand---heart racing to the point of tachycardia!---that momentary illicit forbidden hormone shaking thrill over riding all sense of reason---and "peca" became an invisible way of life.

tiger woods part 4 next

Sunday, January 10, 2010


like GM--CHRYSLER--BANKS--WALL ST--AIG--the big question:


now there's a question worthy of a KOAN!
"a what?"
"sounds like a Jewish ice cream"
not THAT kind of CONE!--or COHN---a Zen Buddhist KOAN! Like: what is the sound of one hand applauding?
"ooohh, that's deep"
I'll bring it up to date--what is the sound of one golf club swinging?
money! money! money! money! money! money! "
a living KOAN! THE perfect POSTER BOY OF KOAN! a man of many faces--mysterious--a connundrum--living in a parallel universe!
"a parallel what?"
two universes--he screws up in this universe--and the other universe straightens him out!
"I need a drink!!-----hey, what about the question?"
get yourself a double shot--you're gonna need it for this one
"oh no---not another KOAN?"
no, but close-------IS TIGHER WOODS TOO BIG TO FAIL?

tiger woods part 3 next

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

tiger woods part 1

the shocking news blasted out of cable--TV--satellite--radio--cell phones--internet--TIGER Woods has committed adultery---did I hear right? was that ADULTERY? OMG! WOW!

his faithful wife at home--and America's hero is out studding it up with cocktail waitresses--pornstars--and other beautiful girls eager to throw their bodies at the world's greatest golf player--who also just happens to be a Billionaire! now why would girls want to do that? WHY?!

and Tiger---is this the same TIGER with that youthful innocent face---that heart warming boyish grin---that nice sweet young kid with the fairy tale career and marriage? You're sure it's the same TIGER we see in the news all the time?---smiling and looking so gentle and carefree?THAT TIGER? I need lasik! my eyes deceive me.

can you believe it? can you REALLY believe it? one young guy--his only weapon a golf club and a small round ball--taking down 4 major Corporate sponsorships: AT@T--NIKE--GATORADE-GILLETTE--to the undanceable tune of 14 billion dollars in losses--and billions more in losses coming. Wow! Wow! Wow! all because TIGER is the greatest golfer in the world--and those Corporate Suits fell into line and fell for Tiger---hook--line and stinker! Schmucks!!! you don't put all your eggs in one basket! you don't put all your stocks in one basket! you don't put all your vegas money in one basket---are you nuts? have you lost you senses! and you certainly don't put all your MORALS in one basket! not in one celebrity! now you're ASKING FOR REAL TROUBLE! the fast lane has a great track record of disaster. and if you do (all in one basket) which you did--we got ourselves a perfect emotional storm: Astonishment--Disbelief--and a raging sense of BETRAYAL!

hey suits, are you listening? invest in IMAGE---get blindsided by REALITY! Corporate Egos and Tunnelvision: a perfect pair! and all that education--my my my! I'd like to meet the PR guy who said bad publicity is good for you. hey fella, check this speed bump!

and now the burning question--a question holding the world in suspense---