Friday, January 22, 2010


and once public, TIGER'S peccadillos made sex scandals in Hollywood history look as daring as afternoon tea time and crumpets.

the progression was astounding---one escapade--and TIGER morphed from escapade to sexcapades--to more and more and more sexcapades---and now TIGER is in a new show--skating on a very thin ICECAPADES! does he fall through? do we save him? of course we save him! we can't let TIGER go under--- my GOD, he's a one-man NATIONAL ECONOMY!---that's free enterprise---survival of the monetary fittest---Darwin is alive and well!

TIGER--in the truest sense-- is a cautionary tale: poor boy to super rich boy---world's greatest golfer--beautiful wife--two beautiful kids--fame--a golden image---and suddenly it all came crashing down---and TIGER'S dream world turned into a celebrity nightmare---booze--drugs-- and all those devastating--devouring--mind blowing one-nighters---each girl hanging on to TIGER--hoping for just a taste of that 15 minutes of fame.

I'm sure we're all asking the same question: why did TIGER take all those dumb stupid chances and gamble away everything that meant the world to him? his thinking was so bizarre---like he hit himself on the head with a 2 iron and saw real Birdies!!!---this guy was making more rounds than an ER doctor!---like an arab hopping from bed to bedouin! it became an obsession---he couldn't stop---so many women crying out they couldn't wait to feel his thrill hammer again!--and again!--and again!

poor TIGER was trapped---of his own undoing, of course. did he think he'd never get caught? never be exposed? none of these affairs made public?---c'mon! a few passionate moments with TIGER is worth a tabloid gold mine---put that together with the TIGER gold mine---and we got MegaBuck stories. I can see the girls point of view---they gave TIGER a piece--now they want a piece--of the action!---and whatever else they can squeeze out of him.--like unprotected sex. was this a plot? hoping to get pregnant and catch the gold ring?

"Guess what, TIGER?---cubby cubby on the way."


no fun getting texted 2 in the morning with that message!-----didn't he think or worry about that?-----the king of golf---expelled from the Garden of Eden---and some steamy one-nighter slips in and gets a lifetime pass to the lush life--FREE! compliments of---ah, the blessings of golf know no limits.



Saturday, January 16, 2010


"wait a minute--that's a KOAN if I ever heard one---2 different questions--but the 2 answers coming from 2 different questions are the same!"

exactly! if tiger--super sports icon--is no longer able to spin his magic on the links--the Big 4 of golf and other major corporations will lose mega-billions--on top of the billions they've already lost---massive layoffs--companies fold--wall st. lays another egg--and here we go again! BAILOUT TIME! and those alcoholic stewed senators--whiskey breath--sipping a martini with olives hanging on their lower lips--give them their Shakespeare pound of flesh (our flesh really, right?)---a trillion dollars--printing presses roll!---which, by the way, devalues our dollar even more!

"you mean one guy can cause all that trouble?"

you bet!

"hey, what about the other question---is TIGER NOT TOO BIG TO FAIL?


"hold it--that's the same answer as the first part!"and

exactly--same set of rules--an identical mirror reflection of TOO BIG TO FAIL!

"I need another drink!"

not because the answer is "yes"--but because it could also culminate in national chaos---only this time because a few million moralists and religious fanatics--and do-gooders--and bible thumping preachers--and followers of pure chastity--and just plain morons--and all frustrated
individuals fighting back sex urges to do it again--and again--and again--with the freedom of TIGER--or don't have sex because mommy and daddy said it's bad and the Lord will punish you if you do! so this entire group of "I'm better than you are" mentality refuses to buy or see anything golf related--and the economy sputters!---all this to punish TIGER--and there we go again---Bailout Time! same senators--same whiskey breath--more olives hanging on lower lips---and not wishing to lose an election--Congress ponies up a Trillion dollar gift---taken from Americans having trouble even eating! and it's back to business as usual.
"And all this was caused by ---?
Percolating testosterone in a star athlete's body---kicking TIGER on the high road to peccadillos!
Peccadillos! that tempting--guilty--sweet taste of a one-night stand---heart racing to the point of tachycardia!---that momentary illicit forbidden hormone shaking thrill over riding all sense of reason---and "peca" became an invisible way of life.

tiger woods part 4 next

Sunday, January 10, 2010


like GM--CHRYSLER--BANKS--WALL ST--AIG--the big question:


now there's a question worthy of a KOAN!
"a what?"
"sounds like a Jewish ice cream"
not THAT kind of CONE!--or COHN---a Zen Buddhist KOAN! Like: what is the sound of one hand applauding?
"ooohh, that's deep"
I'll bring it up to date--what is the sound of one golf club swinging?
money! money! money! money! money! money! "
a living KOAN! THE perfect POSTER BOY OF KOAN! a man of many faces--mysterious--a connundrum--living in a parallel universe!
"a parallel what?"
two universes--he screws up in this universe--and the other universe straightens him out!
"I need a drink!!-----hey, what about the question?"
get yourself a double shot--you're gonna need it for this one
"oh no---not another KOAN?"
no, but close-------IS TIGHER WOODS TOO BIG TO FAIL?

tiger woods part 3 next

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

tiger woods part 1

the shocking news blasted out of cable--TV--satellite--radio--cell phones--internet--TIGER Woods has committed adultery---did I hear right? was that ADULTERY? OMG! WOW!

his faithful wife at home--and America's hero is out studding it up with cocktail waitresses--pornstars--and other beautiful girls eager to throw their bodies at the world's greatest golf player--who also just happens to be a Billionaire! now why would girls want to do that? WHY?!

and Tiger---is this the same TIGER with that youthful innocent face---that heart warming boyish grin---that nice sweet young kid with the fairy tale career and marriage? You're sure it's the same TIGER we see in the news all the time?---smiling and looking so gentle and carefree?THAT TIGER? I need lasik! my eyes deceive me.

can you believe it? can you REALLY believe it? one young guy--his only weapon a golf club and a small round ball--taking down 4 major Corporate sponsorships: AT@T--NIKE--GATORADE-GILLETTE--to the undanceable tune of 14 billion dollars in losses--and billions more in losses coming. Wow! Wow! Wow! all because TIGER is the greatest golfer in the world--and those Corporate Suits fell into line and fell for Tiger---hook--line and stinker! Schmucks!!! you don't put all your eggs in one basket! you don't put all your stocks in one basket! you don't put all your vegas money in one basket---are you nuts? have you lost you senses! and you certainly don't put all your MORALS in one basket! not in one celebrity! now you're ASKING FOR REAL TROUBLE! the fast lane has a great track record of disaster. and if you do (all in one basket) which you did--we got ourselves a perfect emotional storm: Astonishment--Disbelief--and a raging sense of BETRAYAL!

hey suits, are you listening? invest in IMAGE---get blindsided by REALITY! Corporate Egos and Tunnelvision: a perfect pair! and all that education--my my my! I'd like to meet the PR guy who said bad publicity is good for you. hey fella, check this speed bump!

and now the burning question--a question holding the world in suspense---