Sunday, February 28, 2010


what a ripoff!---what a scam!---what a con job!---talk about a burn!---grand theft!---larceny, inc.!---steal from the poor--give to the rich!

shady rotten things are going on--right under the nose--and eyes--of Interpol--Royal Canadian Mounted Police---Law agencies the world over---and nothing is done about it!

can you believe it?---I"m talking robberies!---ROBBERIES happening in broad daylight!---and the ROBBERS get away with it!

the robbers , by the way---are a quaint , tiny group called the "IOC" ---that owns--controls--and operates the Olympic Games---in a "feudal system" where they are the Lords and Masters---and athletes are the peasants!

hard to believe--in this era of High Tech---space stations--mephones--youphones--herphones--hisphones--iphones--stem cell therapy--cloning--------the Olympics are still a hangover from a bygone age---and the feudal IOC Lords and Masters seem very happy and quite content to let things stay as they are---and see no reason to change.

with Olympic Games earnings in the hundreds of millions of dollars---I can see why the IOC is happy with the way things are---hey, I'm glad they're making all that money!---they should be making tons of money!---and therein lies the problem.

IOC---FEUDAL MASTERS------100% of profits
athletes--feudal servants---0% of profits

IOC gets it all!
athletes get "zilch!"
where is the justice in that?

how would you like a store where you don't pay anything for the merchandise---all the inventory is free!---and the people who give you all these goods do it to show you how good it is and how many years they spent making it and how proud they are of it and walk away happy without a dime!

that's what the Olympics are all about---athletes brag to the world how good they are---and the IOC happily deposits all the profits in Swiss bank accounts!---they get the whole pie!

and the athletes---who are the heart and soul of the Olympic Games---these poor, struggling athletes who pushed their bodies to the ultimate in pursuit of physical perfection for most of their young lives---dreaming of Olympic Gold---all these athletes get is the privilege to lick the pie pan for a few crumbs that are left.

time to wake up, athletes---WAKE UP!------Kwayzar has the solution to this terrible, unfair dilemma!---it's that dirty old phrase---PROFIT SHARING!---YES--PROFIT SHARING!

but let's not get greedy---you just want a piece of the pie---the whole pie is too many calories--too fattening--and way to much sugar---no, just a tiny piece--like maybe 50%---that'd be fair.--Olympics take in 500 million---half of that is 250 million---then take the number of actual athletes participating in all the events---and split it evenly between all the winners and the losers!

that takes the Olympics out of the feudal system and into the 21st Century---and that rewards ALL THE ATHLETES for sacrificing everything they had to win---and make their families and country proud of them.

and that gives hope to future athletes---knowing they'll at least get something---even if they never win Gold or any medal---even if they never stand on the podium hearing their National Anthem played---willing to risk it all---even if they never catch "The Impossible Dream"---all these athletes have earned their share in it!

hey, IOC---are you listening?

you want the best Olympics?---the worlds greatest athletic extravaganza?-----you demand no less fron the athletes---well, we demand no less from you.

time to spread the wealth!

prove to the world that the International Olympics Committee---is every bit a champion like the athletes you represent!

hey, we really love you guys---but what's fair is fair!

and to be brutally honest---the Winter Olympics is no place for a SNOW JOB!

God Bless Sports!


Thursday, February 18, 2010


so don't be worried, TIGER, about public image and saving face---we forgave Germany---we can certainly forgive you!

OK---so you destroyed your marriage!

------so you betrayed your wife!

------so you cheated on your wife!

------so you deceived your wife!

------so you lied to your wife!

------so you humiliated your wife!

------so you made a mockery of Fatherhood!

------so you had sex orgies--sex orgies--sex orgies--(WOW!)

------so you ruined your All American image!

------so you tainted the good name of Golf!

how lucky you are that it happened in this country!---that's a blessing!---a blessing, TIGER!
at this very moment---you are the ideal candidate---the leading contender---an absolute
shoo-in---to win the coveted "RAT AWARD of the YEAR " PRIZE!---a siver tray holding our most precious habit forming drug.

Don't you see, TIGER---by winning the RAT AWARD of the YEAR PRIZE---the American people---willingly---are handing you---"FORGIVENESS" on a platter!

you'll be in again!---a hero!---a giant of a hero!---like this year's large boxes of detergent soap--you'll be a bigger--better--and more improved hero than ever!

I can hear the crowds now---on the greens---cheering and chanting:


so bring on the paparazzi---divorce lawyers---cocktail waitresses---porn stars---billion dollar Empires at stake---lives and careers hanging in the balance---WHAT A MOVIE!---Hollywood get with it!---this is the Blockbuster of Blockbusters!---the AVATAR of SIN AND REDEMPTION---and think of the sequels---wow!---wow!---wow!

OMG!---whoever thought Golf was that sensual--so naughty--so secretive--so explicit--and so earth shattering a game!

in the meantime---for all you devoted TIGER fans---patience!
no time for backslapping and pouring the bubbly---
TIGER---is still not out of the WOODS---yet!

oh, I almost forgot---2010 is the Year of the TIGER in China---now tell me---how many guys have a year named after them?---amazing---even in China they shout his name!---maybe it's an omen.

and so we have 2 final questions:
"Can a tiger change its stripes?"

Zen Buddhist question:
"what is the SOUND of ONE TIGER changing its stripes?"

hopefully, the sound is contrition---a mea culpa---and a rededication of marriage vows.

there's an old gambling adage:---"always bet on the champ"
so my money is on TIGER!

yeah, OK---so he's mysterious--erratic--a puzzle--a conundrum--and loaded with "weird!"
would you expect anything less?---I mean we're talking

TIGER---the Perfect Poster Boy of KOAN!

TIGER WOODS---PART 10--- the God Epilogue--much later


Tuesday, February 16, 2010


flash!---bulletin!---red alert!---email!---GPS---spy cams!---video cams!--periscopes!---telescopes!---all ships at sea!---seeing-eye dogs!--twitter!--will the real TIGER WOODS stand up and show your face!---where are you, TIGER?---where are you hiding?

some reports had you in a Buddhist temple in Tibet meditating on sin---other reports have you combing the Sahara desert looking for a new identity---is your body inert, but your metaphysical form is somewhere in Cyberspace Cybersulking?---now that'd be a good one if you could pull it off---or are you sitting on Kilimanjaro promising to return when heavy snow falls---but heavy snows won't be falling because of global warming---My God, you'll be there forever!

look, TIGER, I just want to see you go from current has-been to having been a has-been to Super Star again!---look, whatever you did wasn't your fault!---you heard me---it wasn't your fault!---it was the Great Designer's fault!---turning you into a Golf Legend Lothario---packed with testosterone dynamite ready to explode at any given moment!

you were destined to make a hole-in-one---on or off the course---we don't begrudge you that---we revel in it!---See!, you couldn't help what you did.---blame the Great Designer turning out a money making body that has more money than most guys so you could afford to fool around more than most guys, that's all!---what's wrong with that?

So please come out TIGER---you have nothing to fear
millions are waiting---for you to appear
all your past actions---and infidelity
are now in the open---for everyone to see!

that's why you're safe, TIGER.
am I psychic? No!---clairvoyant? No!---telepathic? No!
but I know the American people---and one thing Americans are good at---is "forgiveness"


that 11-letter word is our drug of choice!---our national pastime!---it is ingrained in our psyche.

WE'll FORGIVE ANYONE!-----adult beaters--wife beaters--tax cheaters--child molesters
robbers--gang bangers--thieves--rapists--politicians--police brutality--baby snatchers--cowards--we even forgive BAD MOVIES!---that's how ingrained it is in our "let's be good to all"
American psyche!

we forgive killers on Death Row---they keep filing appeals and die of old age!---we even forgive THEM!

Nazi Germany murdered 6 million Jews in WWII---and when the war ended---how many residents in Beverly Hills--Palm Springs--New York--Chicago--Florida--and elsewhere--
could hardly wait to buy a Mercedes or a Porsche and drive in style once again--behind the wheel of German engineering--German design--German efficiency--smiling and happy.

memories of Auschwitz--Buchenwald--Treblinka--fading away ever so quietly--as if the horror scene had never been real--as if the carnage in Nazi Germany had never existed.

see how we punished Germany---WE BOUGHT THEIR CARS!---that's how big this country is on forgiveness!

Friday, February 12, 2010


we are only free

as our minds

wish us to be

but TIGER--to get something off my liberal chest--I know you're not a racist--so how come only white girls?---you only had sex with white girls--14 of them!---not a black girl in the group!---this entire sexual ensemble was blackless!---I looked and looked--nope--only white faces.

I feel bad, TIGER, because look at the money these white girls are making selling their stories to mags--TV--tabloids--cable--satellite--and anywhere else our system smells a buck.
they are gonna get rich!---WHITE GIRLS getting rich sleeping with TIGER!

so spread the wealth---the least you could have done is offer your services to a couple of your brothers--I mean sisters.
they could use the money too!---probably come from poor neighborhoods---and with your escapades in hand--gosh--they could sell them for a few hundred thousand---get a good life going---buy a home---raise a family---and be forever grateful to the one and only TIGER WOODS for helping them get a fresh start in life!

so the next time, TIGER, if you still insist on dalliances and illicit sex in the fast lane--please give a couple of black girls a chance to cash in on all of the notoriety!---spread it around---don't be selfish.

remember, TIGER, give--and ye shall receive!---and you will have two of the most faithful, loyal fans you will ever have in your life---they'll believe in you forever!

now that's what I call disposable income serving a good cause!


Saturday, February 6, 2010


TIGER WOODS---Poster Boy of Zen Koan

there are no winners

there are no losers

the mathematics of a Supreme Universe

everything evens out

variety is the spice of life---in TIGER's case--he abused the privilege. when variety gets to the point where even the word DICHOTOMY is in shock---crossing the River Styx is less of a hell than what TIGER's gonna be going thru!---and you won't need a Spelling Bee to sound out the meaning of a word--like trouble!---TIGER TROUBLE!---spelled : having a secret dalliance with a cocktail waitress. A COCKTAIL WAITRESS!---hey, maybe he got free drinks !---my motto: never trust a free drink---free drinks are like a mafia martini---when you least expect it, they come back and shove a fist of olives up your ass!---if there's toothpicks involved--it can be painful!---and cost plenty!

how about a marriage--a beautiful wife--two kids--a good chunk of a trillion dollar estate--fame and glory---yet it wasn't enough. TIGER took a bite of the Forbidden Apple and lo and behold!

---TIGER is expelled from the Garden of Eden by the Gods of economics and morality---taken down by a woman---and not just one---try 2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-women!---oh wow!sexual encounters with 13 women!!!-----what!---another one popped up?---that makes 14!!!---OMG!-----where does he get the physical stamina to support this strenuous lifestyle and service a stable of 14 broads?

year round golf events--winning tournaments--personal appearances--jetting here--jetting there--all over the planet--hardly sleeping--eating tons of junk food--and yet TIGER still had the energy to knock off 14 women like bowling pins---wow!! wow!! wow!!

TIGER IS the BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS!!!---who needs Wheaties?
we should have an awards show for Super Athletes: how many girls you can knock off in a month--and still score on the field--without staggering!-----you know, human interest stories.

it seems TIGER was under the spell of his own magical image---hey, remember the Bible?
Samson and Delilah---ring a bell?---Samson was no match ---and that was only one on one.
this guy's messing with 14 Delilahs!----14 harlots at last count---14!!!!!!

whatever you do, TIGER---DON'T CUT YOUR HAIR!!!-----and if you did---let it grow out QUICK!!!!!!QUICK!!!!!!QUICK!!!!!!


Wednesday, February 3, 2010


poetic justice has many faces---and TIGER---a meandering wildcat---fell into an abyss---a powerless pawn in a game where he wasn't the chess Master! An unfamiliar role--and confused.

Hold it!---Wait a minute!---an Epipheny!---Yes!--an Epipheny!---OMG!---a nanosecond, and
I AM THE CENTER OF UNIVERSAL TRUTH--I see it all!---ENLIGHTENMENT--ILLUMINATION---OMG! I cried out!---how could I have been so wrong?---TIGER is innocent! Yes! TIGER WOODS is innocent!

He's not the one to blame for all those "pecas"---all those one nighters---all those thrilling cheating moments powered by infidelity---No!--No! TIGER was a victim! You heard me! a victim of the game he loved so much. the real villain--the true villain---is GOLF!!!---yes, you heard right!---Golf is what led TIGER astray---toying with his mind--playing with his emotions--Golf turning TIGER into a hostage--driving TIGER's brain into a 24-7 uncontrollable
hyperdrive frenzy!

Yes-Golf is the villain---My God,man!---can't you see?---it's the LANGUAGE of golf that's the enemy! Yes!---the language!---you heard me! all these Golf terms--golf phrases--golf expressions--shooting through his brain like subliminal x-rated bullets!---subtle, devious, the power of suggestion lies in wait--like a real hungry tiger--ready to pounce and destroy even those at the top of their sport!

who would believe this quiet, peaceful, slow moving game--in reality--is a verbal playground of sexual hangups!---Yes!---enough sexual hangups to fill a pantheon of porn vocabulary!---an 18 hole Scottish-hand-me-down semantic minefield--slowly driving TIGER mad.

so don't blame TIGER acting like he hit himself on the head with a wedgy and a 5-iron---he was helpless against a daily onslaught of repressed erotica safely tucked away within the bowels of Golf cliches---from nice guy to wild sex addict---Golf euphemisms pounding his head---TIGER exploded with the passion of an X-rated Don Juan!

the girls flipped for TIGER'S charm--as he explained to these nanosecond lovers the thrill of making a hole-in-one!---YES!---proud his performance in bed is UNDER PAR!
---she ooohs and aaahs

how he loves the game--even when his balls are in the rough!
---"ohhhhh---ohhhh!" she squeels

the joy of grasping a shank--hard and stiff--and gently stroking a putting green.
---"YES--YES--YES--!" she moans

boasting to the girls about unprotected sex--not bothering to put a glove on his driver!
"OH--you're driving me mad-mad-mad!"

making girls come apart--when he winks and tells them how good he is---at the SKINS GAME!
"oh, I can't take it--don't stop--don't stop!---OHHHHH--OHHHHHH--OHHHHHH!




Man, am I hungry---let's get Chinese!

see, TIGER couldn't help it---it's those Golf expressions---they drive a guy nuts!

a beaten, bruised--totally confused
Super Hero--and feeling used

TIGER WOODS--Part 6--next