TIGER WOODS PART 7

we are only free

as our minds

wish us to be


but TIGER--to get something off my liberal chest--I know you're not a racist--so how come only white girls?---you only had sex with white girls--14 of them!---not a black girl in the group!---this entire sexual ensemble was blackless!---I looked and looked--nope--only white faces.

I feel bad, TIGER, because look at the money these white girls are making selling their stories to mags--TV--tabloids--cable--satellite--and anywhere else our system smells a buck.
they are gonna get rich!---WHITE GIRLS getting rich sleeping with TIGER!

so spread the wealth---the least you could have done is offer your services to a couple of your brothers--I mean sisters.
they could use the money too!---probably come from poor neighborhoods---and with your escapades in hand--gosh--they could sell them for a few hundred thousand---get a good life going---buy a home---raise a family---and be forever grateful to the one and only TIGER WOODS for helping them get a fresh start in life!

so the next time, TIGER, if you still insist on dalliances and illicit sex in the fast lane--please give a couple of black girls a chance to cash in on all of the notoriety!---spread it around---don't be selfish.

remember, TIGER, give--and ye shall receive!---and you will have two of the most faithful, loyal fans you will ever have in your life---they'll believe in you forever!

now that's what I call disposable income serving a good cause!


TIGER WOODS PART 8--NEXT

TIGER WOODS PART 6

TIGER WOODS---Poster Boy of Zen Koan



there are no winners

there are no losers

the mathematics of a Supreme Universe

everything evens out



variety is the spice of life---in TIGER's case--he abused the privilege. when variety gets to the point where even the word DICHOTOMY is in shock---crossing the River Styx is less of a hell than what TIGER's gonna be going thru!---and you won't need a Spelling Bee to sound out the meaning of a word--like trouble!---TIGER TROUBLE!---spelled : having a secret dalliance with a cocktail waitress. A COCKTAIL WAITRESS!---hey, maybe he got free drinks !---my motto: never trust a free drink---free drinks are like a mafia martini---when you least expect it, they come back and shove a fist of olives up your ass!---if there's toothpicks involved--it can be painful!---and cost plenty!

how about a marriage--a beautiful wife--two kids--a good chunk of a trillion dollar estate--fame and glory---yet it wasn't enough. TIGER took a bite of the Forbidden Apple and lo and behold!

---TIGER is expelled from the Garden of Eden by the Gods of economics and morality---taken down by a woman---and not just one---try 2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-women!---oh wow!sexual encounters with 13 women!!!-----what!---another one popped up?---that makes 14!!!---OMG!-----where does he get the physical stamina to support this strenuous lifestyle and service a stable of 14 broads?

year round golf events--winning tournaments--personal appearances--jetting here--jetting there--all over the planet--hardly sleeping--eating tons of junk food--and yet TIGER still had the energy to knock off 14 women like bowling pins---wow!! wow!! wow!!

TIGER IS the BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS!!!---who needs Wheaties?
we should have an awards show for Super Athletes: how many girls you can knock off in a month--and still score on the field--without staggering!-----you know, human interest stories.

it seems TIGER was under the spell of his own magical image---hey, remember the Bible?
Samson and Delilah---ring a bell?---Samson was no match ---and that was only one on one.
this guy's messing with 14 Delilahs!----14 harlots at last count---14!!!!!!

whatever you do, TIGER---DON'T CUT YOUR HAIR!!!-----and if you did---let it grow out QUICK!!!!!!QUICK!!!!!!QUICK!!!!!!


TIGER WOODS---PART7--next

TIGER WOODS PART 5

poetic justice has many faces---and TIGER---a meandering wildcat---fell into an abyss---a powerless pawn in a game where he wasn't the chess Master! An unfamiliar role--and confused.


Hold it!---Wait a minute!---an Epipheny!---Yes!--an Epipheny!---OMG!---a nanosecond, and
I AM THE CENTER OF UNIVERSAL TRUTH--I see it all!---ENLIGHTENMENT--ILLUMINATION---OMG! I cried out!---how could I have been so wrong?---TIGER is innocent! Yes! TIGER WOODS is innocent!


He's not the one to blame for all those "pecas"---all those one nighters---all those thrilling cheating moments powered by infidelity---No!--No! TIGER was a victim! You heard me! a victim of the game he loved so much. the real villain--the true villain---is GOLF!!!---yes, you heard right!---Golf is what led TIGER astray---toying with his mind--playing with his emotions--Golf turning TIGER into a hostage--driving TIGER's brain into a 24-7 uncontrollable
hyperdrive frenzy!


Yes-Golf is the villain---My God,man!---can't you see?---it's the LANGUAGE of golf that's the enemy! Yes!---the language!---you heard me! all these Golf terms--golf phrases--golf expressions--shooting through his brain like subliminal x-rated bullets!---subtle, devious, the power of suggestion lies in wait--like a real hungry tiger--ready to pounce and destroy even those at the top of their sport!

who would believe this quiet, peaceful, slow moving game--in reality--is a verbal playground of sexual hangups!---Yes!---enough sexual hangups to fill a pantheon of porn vocabulary!---an 18 hole Scottish-hand-me-down semantic minefield--slowly driving TIGER mad.

so don't blame TIGER acting like he hit himself on the head with a wedgy and a 5-iron---he was helpless against a daily onslaught of repressed erotica safely tucked away within the bowels of Golf cliches---from nice guy to wild sex addict---Golf euphemisms pounding his head---TIGER exploded with the passion of an X-rated Don Juan!


the girls flipped for TIGER'S charm--as he explained to these nanosecond lovers the thrill of making a hole-in-one!---YES!---proud his performance in bed is UNDER PAR!
---she ooohs and aaahs


how he loves the game--even when his balls are in the rough!
---"ohhhhh---ohhhh!" she squeels


the joy of grasping a shank--hard and stiff--and gently stroking a putting green.
---"YES--YES--YES--!" she moans


boasting to the girls about unprotected sex--not bothering to put a glove on his driver!
"OH--you're driving me mad-mad-mad!"


making girls come apart--when he winks and tells them how good he is---at the SKINS GAME!
"oh, I can't take it--don't stop--don't stop!---OHHHHH--OHHHHHH--OHHHHHH!

YES!--YES!--OH DON'T STOP!--DON'T STOP--DON'T STOP!--OHHHHHHH--OHHHHHHH!

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!------YES!------YES!-----YES-----!"

"OH!------------------------MY!------------------GAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWD!"


Man, am I hungry---let's get Chinese!


see, TIGER couldn't help it---it's those Golf expressions---they drive a guy nuts!

a beaten, bruised--totally confused
Super Hero--and feeling used


TIGER WOODS--Part 6--next

TIGER WOODS PART4

and once public, TIGER'S peccadillos made sex scandals in Hollywood history look as daring as afternoon tea time and crumpets.

the progression was astounding---one escapade--and TIGER morphed from escapade to sexcapades--to more and more and more sexcapades---and now TIGER is in a new show--skating on a very thin ICECAPADES! does he fall through? do we save him? of course we save him! we can't let TIGER go under--- my GOD, he's a one-man NATIONAL ECONOMY!---that's free enterprise---survival of the monetary fittest---Darwin is alive and well!

TIGER--in the truest sense-- is a cautionary tale: poor boy to super rich boy---world's greatest golfer--beautiful wife--two beautiful kids--fame--a golden image---and suddenly it all came crashing down---and TIGER'S dream world turned into a celebrity nightmare---booze--drugs-- and all those devastating--devouring--mind blowing one-nighters---each girl hanging on to TIGER--hoping for just a taste of that 15 minutes of fame.

I'm sure we're all asking the same question: why did TIGER take all those dumb stupid chances and gamble away everything that meant the world to him? his thinking was so bizarre---like he hit himself on the head with a 2 iron and saw real Birdies!!!---this guy was making more rounds than an ER doctor!---like an arab hopping from bed to bedouin! it became an obsession---he couldn't stop---so many women crying out they couldn't wait to feel his thrill hammer again!--and again!--and again!

poor TIGER was trapped---of his own undoing, of course. did he think he'd never get caught? never be exposed? none of these affairs made public?---c'mon! a few passionate moments with TIGER is worth a tabloid gold mine---put that together with the TIGER gold mine---and we got MegaBuck stories. I can see the girls point of view---they gave TIGER a piece--now they want a piece--of the action!---and whatever else they can squeeze out of him.--like unprotected sex. was this a plot? hoping to get pregnant and catch the gold ring?

"Guess what, TIGER?---cubby cubby on the way."

BA-WANG!!!---BOOM!!!---WOW!!!--WOW!!!---WOW!!!---WHEEEEEE!!!---OOOOOHHH!!!---BOP BOP BOP BOP BOP BOP BOP!!!!!!

no fun getting texted 2 in the morning with that message!-----didn't he think or worry about that?-----the king of golf---expelled from the Garden of Eden---and some steamy one-nighter slips in and gets a lifetime pass to the lush life--FREE! compliments of---ah, the blessings of golf know no limits.

TIGER WOODS PART 5 next

kwayzar

TIGER WOODS PART3

"wait a minute--that's a KOAN if I ever heard one---2 different questions--but the 2 answers coming from 2 different questions are the same!"

exactly! if tiger--super sports icon--is no longer able to spin his magic on the links--the Big 4 of golf and other major corporations will lose mega-billions--on top of the billions they've already lost---massive layoffs--companies fold--wall st. lays another egg--and here we go again! BAILOUT TIME! and those alcoholic stewed senators--whiskey breath--sipping a martini with olives hanging on their lower lips--give them their Shakespeare pound of flesh (our flesh really, right?)---a trillion dollars--printing presses roll!---which, by the way, devalues our dollar even more!

"you mean one guy can cause all that trouble?"

you bet!

"hey, what about the other question---is TIGER NOT TOO BIG TO FAIL?

yes

"hold it--that's the same answer as the first part!"and

exactly--same set of rules--an identical mirror reflection of TOO BIG TO FAIL!

"I need another drink!"

not because the answer is "yes"--but because it could also culminate in national chaos---only this time because a few million moralists and religious fanatics--and do-gooders--and bible thumping preachers--and followers of pure chastity--and just plain morons--and all frustrated
individuals fighting back sex urges to do it again--and again--and again--with the freedom of TIGER--or don't have sex because mommy and daddy said it's bad and the Lord will punish you if you do! so this entire group of "I'm better than you are" mentality refuses to buy or see anything golf related--and the economy sputters!---all this to punish TIGER--and there we go again---Bailout Time! same senators--same whiskey breath--more olives hanging on lower lips---and not wishing to lose an election--Congress ponies up a Trillion dollar gift---taken from Americans having trouble even eating! and it's back to business as usual.
"And all this was caused by ---?
Percolating testosterone in a star athlete's body---kicking TIGER on the high road to peccadillos!
"peca-----what?"
Peccadillos! that tempting--guilty--sweet taste of a one-night stand---heart racing to the point of tachycardia!---that momentary illicit forbidden hormone shaking thrill over riding all sense of reason---and "peca" became an invisible way of life.


tiger woods part 4 next

TIGER WOODS PART 2

like GM--CHRYSLER--BANKS--WALL ST--AIG--the big question:

IS TIGER WOODS TOO BIG TO FAIL?

now there's a question worthy of a KOAN!
"a what?"
KOAN!
"sounds like a Jewish ice cream"
not THAT kind of CONE!--or COHN---a Zen Buddhist KOAN! Like: what is the sound of one hand applauding?
"ooohh, that's deep"
I'll bring it up to date--what is the sound of one golf club swinging?
MM---------OO-------------------NN-------------------EE---------------YY!!!!!!!!!
money! money! money! money! money! money! "
"so TIGER WOODS is a KOAN?"
a living KOAN! THE perfect POSTER BOY OF KOAN! a man of many faces--mysterious--a connundrum--living in a parallel universe!
"a parallel what?"
two universes--he screws up in this universe--and the other universe straightens him out!
"I need a drink!!-----hey, what about the question?"
get yourself a double shot--you're gonna need it for this one
"oh no---not another KOAN?"
no, but close-------IS TIGHER WOODS TOO BIG TO FAIL?
YES!
IS TIGER WOODS NOT TOO BIG TO FAIL?
YES!


tiger woods part 3 next

tiger woods part 1

the shocking news blasted out of cable--TV--satellite--radio--cell phones--internet--TIGER Woods has committed adultery---did I hear right? was that ADULTERY? OMG! WOW!

his faithful wife at home--and America's hero is out studding it up with cocktail waitresses--pornstars--and other beautiful girls eager to throw their bodies at the world's greatest golf player--who also just happens to be a Billionaire! now why would girls want to do that? WHY?!


and Tiger---is this the same TIGER with that youthful innocent face---that heart warming boyish grin---that nice sweet young kid with the fairy tale career and marriage? You're sure it's the same TIGER we see in the news all the time?---smiling and looking so gentle and carefree?THAT TIGER? I need lasik! my eyes deceive me.

can you believe it? can you REALLY believe it? one young guy--his only weapon a golf club and a small round ball--taking down 4 major Corporate sponsorships: AT@T--NIKE--GATORADE-GILLETTE--to the undanceable tune of 14 billion dollars in losses--and billions more in losses coming. Wow! Wow! Wow! all because TIGER is the greatest golfer in the world--and those Corporate Suits fell into line and fell for Tiger---hook--line and stinker! Schmucks!!! you don't put all your eggs in one basket! you don't put all your stocks in one basket! you don't put all your vegas money in one basket---are you nuts? have you lost you senses! and you certainly don't put all your MORALS in one basket! not in one celebrity! now you're ASKING FOR REAL TROUBLE! the fast lane has a great track record of disaster. and if you do (all in one basket) which you did--we got ourselves a perfect emotional storm: Astonishment--Disbelief--and a raging sense of BETRAYAL!

hey suits, are you listening? invest in IMAGE---get blindsided by REALITY! Corporate Egos and Tunnelvision: a perfect pair! and all that education--my my my! I'd like to meet the PR guy who said bad publicity is good for you. hey fella, check this speed bump!

and now the burning question--a question holding the world in suspense---

TIGER WOODS---PART 2 NEXT

KWAYZAR